SMALL TOWN: Where Nothing Happens Every Minute

Courtesy: Pixabay

I grew up in a small town and eventually went off to college in a much larger city some many miles away. Spent my 20’s, 30’s and 40’s in larger city life.

I came here to this small little sandbar. Here I am, full circle in a small town and love everything about it. If you also come from a small town, you can probably relate to This week’s column.


You’ve given directions based off of a stop sign or local landmarks.

Your entire town shuts down every Friday night for the local football game.

You were friends with kids from other schools until football season began.

Your town had a bowling alley. That’s it.

“Downtown” is where the bowling alley are located.

You had to create ways to entertain yourself because bowling really sucks after 50 straight games.

Your teachers taught your parents and will teach your siblings.

You can basically name every person in your graduating class, and their GPAs.

Pageant queens are literal royalty.

The only traffic jam you ever experienced was when a tractor was driving down the road 15 cars ahead of you.

People ask you where you’re from, you name the closest big town to you. I’m from Milwaukee, Wisconsin… okay fine… Wind Lake, Wisconsin.

You’ve heard a train horn.

Muddin’ is a normal weekend event..

It’s not abnormal for you to see horses, pigs, chickens, cows, etc. in someone’s back yard.

There are no streetlights where you live, so it’s somewhat impossible for you to sleep in a place that has them everywhere.

You have danced or participated in other strange acts in the middle of the street, like in the Notebook, because no cars drive through town past 8 PM.

Your summer job was babysitting.

If your town is off a highway, there’s a maximum of 3 exits that allow access to it.

When you go to college, the college itself is 4 times the population of your hometown.

Every street, park or cemetery in the town is dedicated to some important old guy that died down the road from your house some 100 odd years ago.

You’ve had the same hairdresser since you were a child.

You had designated senior skip days in high school.

You find a certain peace from a long, dark drive home

Someone in your family at one time had some kind of an orchard.

You’ve been to a drive-in and would sometimes prefer that experience to a regular movie theater.

The town’s radiologist, primary care physician, gynecologist, dentist and orthopedic surgeon are the same person.

It’s almost impossible to not date your friend’s ex.

You’ve stolen a speed limit or stop sign. And no one noticed, because there were no set speed limit.

Third Street is on the edge of town.

You don’t signal turns because everyone knows where you’re going, anyway.

No social events can be scheduled when the school gym floor is being varnished.

You call a wrong number and they supply you with the correct one.

Everyone knows all the news before it’s published; they just read the hometown paper to see whether the publisher got it right.

A “Night on the Town” takes only 41 minutes.

Running from the town police consists of hiding in the cornfield.

There is no point in high-school reunions because everyone knows what everyone else is doing anyway.

Driving cars up and down the main drag is a universal high school experience.

You schedule parties around the schedule of different police officers, since you know which ones would bust you and which ones wouldn’t

It was cool to date someone from the neighboring town.

The golf course had only nine holes.

Getting paid minimum wage is considered a great job.

You refer to anyone with a house newer than 1980 as “rich” people.

The people in the city dress funny, then you pick up on the trend a few years later.

You bragged to your friends because you got pipes on your truck for your birthday.

Anyone you want can be found at the bowling alley.

The city council meets at the coffee shop.

You decide to walk somewhere for exercise and 5 people pull over and ask if you need a ride.

Your teachers call you by your older siblings names.

You can charge at all the local stores.

It is normal to see an old man riding through town on a riding lawn mower.

Everyone who played sports had to play on every type of team, or there wouldn’t be enough people to have a team.

Being able to hit a road sign with a beer bottle while driving down the highway is considered a necessary skill.

You can remember when your town finally got cable.

The town population increases by one-third when the universities go on break.

The best burgers in town are at the bowling alley.

You want to hate that place so much, but all in all, it was a great place to grow up.

You actually get this and pass it on to other friends from a small town.